求雅思作文批改（急）

总的来说，写的不错，但有一些地方需要改进。如：

第二段
"merely having the network as a necessary" necessary是形容词，因此可改为as necessary 或 as a necessity

which requiring 可改为 which requires

tuition and fees 可改为 tuition fees

第三段
conventional models on fostering one’s interpersonal skills could be effectively and efficiently. 其中effectively and efficiently 可改为 effective and efficient.

contribute to aggravate the indifference 可直接说 contribute to the indifference

less the communication 表达有问题，less是形容词

in current modern society 嗯，current 与modern 貌似是一个意思

第四段would be play 应去掉be

总的来说，写的不错，不过希望你能注意长短句的搭配，不要总是堆长句子，英语跟汉语一样讲究通达凝练、错落有致。
加油啊，继续努力！