急,急,急!!!请各位翻译高手对我的翻译批评指正!感激不尽!

你翻译的很好！ 我仅仅改动了几个小地方， 仅供参考。

coil 形容大蛇盘成的圈子。

He cried out in the lonely room, "Rama! Rama!" as if hailing someone hard of hearing. Presently he realized it was a futile exercise.(futile exercise该怎么翻?) Rama was a perfect incarnation, of course, but he was mild and gentle until provoked beyond limit, when he would storm and annihilate the evildoer without a trace, even if he was a monster like Ravana. Normally, however, he had forbearance, hence the repetition of his name only resulted in calmness and peace, but the present occasion demanded stern measures. (stern measures该怎么翻才能体现苦修者修行不入境界?我觉得这一段很难把握,希望能得到各位高手指点,谢谢!)

他在这个孤零零的房间里大声叫喊“罗摩! 罗摩!”仿佛朝一个听觉困难的人叫喊。他立刻意识到这是徒然的。“罗摩”是完美的化身,当然了,他是温柔文雅的，只有到超出容忍限度时，他才会被激怒, 这时，“罗摩”会不留踪迹地突袭和歼灭恶魔,即使歼灭像拉凡那一样的恶魔。在平常情况下,这位修道者也是有容忍心的,因此重复拉姆的名字只会带来冷静和祥平,但现在的状况需要采取断然的措施。
Part of his mind noted the creaking of the door of the opposite house. She was a serpent in whose coils everyone was caught and destroyed(这一句该怎么翻才能表达苦修者对她的痛恨欧姆呐玛思亚”,
他的部分思想注意到对面房子的嘎吱声。她是一条大蛇,缠绕着每个被抓和被毁灭的人,

"Sri Rama, Jayarama. . .," he repeated with a desperate fervor, (这一句该怎么表达才够味)but the effect lasted not even a second.
“舍拉姆”,他极度热情的重复着,还是没功效。

Our hermit packed his wicker box with his sparse possessions
苦修者用柳条包收拾了他的很少的几件物品(sparse possessions该怎么翻?)

All the lines he had rehearsed for a confrontation deserted him at this moment; looking at her flabby figure, the dark rings under her eyes, he felt pity. As she bent down to prostrate, he noticed that her hair was indifferently dyed and that the parting in the middle widened into a bald patch over which a string of jasmine dangled loosely.(这一句翻的把不准,望提意见.) He touched her tray with the tip of his finger as a token of acceptance, and went down the street without a word.
这一刻,他所有演练过的用于对抗的道白全忘光了;看着她肥胖的身躯,眼下的黑环,他觉得可怜她。当她弯腰俯拜时,他注意到她的头发是漫不经心地染的,中分扩大成一个秃块,上面松散地悬着一串茉莉花。他用指尖碰了一下她的盒子表示接受，没有说一个字向街尾走去.

Well done! My hat off to you.

这是徒然的
is good. Unless you find it stylistically wanting because it is not 白话.

stern measures
断然手段 /措施

...in whose coil everyone ...
不好翻译。我再想想。

还是没功効
is not a weak translation. The orignal line "lasted not even a second" is kind of weak to begin with. Anyway, something suitable will come up.

sparse possessions
随身几件杂物

“上面悬着”
改成
“戴著”

目前就这样。
有好主意时
再给你提供。

her flabby figure, the dark rings under her eyes,
她那松弛的肌肤，深陷的黑眼圈。

...all the lines....
演练过的开场白。